There is a zone of my world that keeps me perpetually stirred as well as confused. Because I want to be liked, it mostly makes me so sad.
It happened again yesterday. I went to a funeral of a dear friend. I left so yo-yoed.
At funerals I always encounter dear friends who left Memorial so upset with me they could no longer worship with me. While they had their circle of sympathetic friends, I was left holding the message of total and stinging rejection; "I was so bad they could no longer accept nor tolerate me." Their message was clear to any who wanted to listen to their laundry list of my failures.
But at funerals...now...I appear to delight them?
Which am I? Am I wicked or am I wonderful? I've received both messages from the same people in strong terms.
I really like it that they "seem" to like me, but my history can't decipher if such is a front because of their stark distancing themselves years earlier. This really confuses me. I don't know if I am visiting a regained friend or a pseudo friend who is simply acting the part for public display.
Any of you feel these pangs? I don't' feel critical of any of these. I feel awkward every time. Which one are they really talking to; the rejected me or the accepted me?
I'm sure that many of you who have mastered maturity can easily see through this screen door. I nearly make myself believe I can....until I run into them again. I love them a lot or I wouldn't care, I guess. I really loved them when they were at this congregation. But, they made their harsh statements years ago and I still don't know how to read them now.
7 comments:
It is amazing how adults have become so complex. As children it didn’t matter how life happened. Little Johnnie and Billy were friends one day. Billy got mad at Little Johnnie the next day and the friendship was off. Two days later they are back to being friends again as if nothing has happened.
Sure there are mistakes made and there are people you know that will criticize or talk badly about you. The rejection sets in. It is how one chooses to view those things. For me those who share in the gossip and fester on the past or share “concerns” are merely not living in mind of the kingdom. Have to look past their comments and ponder is it out of their fear, hurt or rejection and misunderstanding those comments are being made.
Looking through the screen door is looking through the eyes of a child. Words are like nails. They stick and even if saying, “I am sorry” it is pulling the worded nail out and yet, there is still a hole. It is our forgiveness and Christ’s that can patch that hole up or we remain bitter and leave the hole open.
It is putting the BUT in the right place of our choice of our mindset. Something, I wrestled with a long time ago. I don’t like living in bitterness of rejection. Took a while to change my mindset and know it’s not what others say or think as long as I am in the loving arms of my savior which gives me the confidence in life.
Not sure if anyone can master this because it is a human need to feel wanted. It is learning how to understand it is a weakness, BUT it is God that always has you and never leaves you feeling alone. It is a choice to choose to see past hurtful comments and rejection, BUT it is God that uses the weakness to continue to reaching out to those who are in pain. It’s all being a part of being a servant and learning process of the kingdom to reach out and gain confidence in Him and His delieverance.
I know this odd feeling. I wish I did not. You are right that is so confusing and exciting and frustrating all at the same time. Here is what I think (or should say, "thinking this morning") Relationships are powerful and our need for love and acceptance potent. The relationships that are damaged need to be healed in our heart and I have discovered that the time needed for the healing varies in time and intensity. God heals us to a point where we eventually heal the relationship or we can with pain let it go. The mystery is God!! As always. He is the author of healing and we are the wounded. Terry, I guess what I am saying is I dont understand it either. I have people that still break my heart every time I see them. There are others that when I see them my heart is not as broken as it was before. I walk wounded. I think it is where God is healing me. Thanks for the post.
I've read your posts before when you've discussed the tendency to want people to like you...I suffer from the same disease!! It's a terrible one (and I realize that you might not be talking about that exact, same insecurity-fed desire in this post). I have often had envy (righteous envy, of course!) of those who seem to have no need of others' approval. They seem a lot "tougher" than me. But they also have the "disease" of the tendency to be more abrasive and coming across as uncaring a lot of times....I'm sure the Lord uses us both.
But, from the perspective of these long, lost friends...I'm afraid I've been in their shoes before, or similar fitting ones. I can tell you from experience that certainly in some cases the Lord has matured them past their past immaturity and they are at peace with what made them upset and they have come to genuinely appreciate and love you. Others, unfortunately, no doubt are simply putting on a good face...which, I guess you can at least give them credit for doing that, right? Unfortunately, some will never "get over it"...but I guess we have to give them the benefit of the doubt that the Lord is working on them, too. (And I'm with you...I hate awkwardness!!!!)
Love
Jay
Maturity is the key. Being mature is HARD. I had a friend who hurt me deeply. Thinking about what she did and what I wanted to tell her (in love) was all I thought about for weeks.Maturity, to me, is removing those things that get between me and my relationship with God. I was not studying like I should. I thought about it when I woke up. I thought about it when I fell asleep, when I drove...all the time. I realize I was missing opportunities from the Lord because I had this hurt in my life. I decided to be mature and go to her and tell her how much she hurt me. I made the date, practiced my lines and was ready to go. She cancelled. Amazingly, I was at peace. I tried my best. I did my part. I forgave her. Maybe God never wanted us to talk. Maybe he just wanted to work on me. Kinda like Abraham...HE took me to the edge and, when I was not going to shrink back, he said..."You forgave her...that is all I wanted." Maturity is not knowing what to do...it is doing it!!!
Erin
I feel your pain and have no answers.
Yep. Went back to Long Beach last Sunday to preach for the first time since I left after an almost 15 year ministry there. It was a wonderful experience (hadn't preached in over 2 years, so just preaching again was good), but there was a conspicuous two / three rows that were empty. The pews where my "enemies" always sat. I guess they knew I was coming and decided to go "worship" elsewhere. But it is a strange feeling to have those mixed signals from people. There are a few in my life, but thankfully not too many.
It was interesting...31 years after my husband was fired the congregation invited him back for homecoming. We were swamped with people telling us how much they had loved us (some of whom had been complainers about him)...and my only explanation was that years of maturity/experiences/hurts had mellowed some of these people. Most of the complainers did not show up...some have divorced/left religion completely. There were no apologies...we really didn't expect any...but we left with a good feeling...glad we returned and had an opportunity to visit with those we considered "problems" as well as those who had been true friends through the years.
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