Friday, April 08, 2011

FROM DEPRESSION TO SHEER HOPE

God has given me new life.  I'm not the same person I was up to ten or fifteen years ago.  Oh, may have appeared confident on the outside; but that was a part of my game.  I was filthy with darkness from inner corner to inner corner.

To put it frankly, I have struggled most of my life with extreme frustration, disappointment, and depression over my lack.  I'm just not much. 

What God changed was not my value....but His value in me.  The transition wasn't as a flip of the switch.  It began with the awareness of Holy Spirit activity.  Yet, I could hardly grasp He really meant "for me".  Oh how He has tended to my heart as a Shepherd.

I'm no more than I was.  He is the more.  As a matter of truth, I am less than I was.  It is just that now I can see the value and the advantage of decreasing that He might increase.

When a minister doesn't believe God works directly in him/us (as I had been thoroughly grounded), then we really are out on a most desperate limb.  But when the waves beat against our mind's shore that God is actually a part of our walk....wowie!

I have learned to let go of control.  It is up to Him.  I have learned to tell Him of my burdens including sins and it is up to Him to cleanse, renew, and refresh.  It isn't up to my acute obsession of controlling the moment.  My life is not dependent upon my precise calculation as to how things will go.  It is totally up to God.

Here is my/our sanity verse....and He means it: So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy...Romans 9:16.  The context is that God loved Jacob and hated Esau....with the call to explain such a position.  We can't.  And this is what has freed me.  When I stopped trying to explain and arrange the great stresses of life...when I refrained from being in charge....He seemed to step in to show His stuff.

My mattress has transitioned from a rack of torture to a place of peaceful rest.  I was trying to make life work versus learning that all workings are a yes...II Cor. 1:18-20.

2 comments:

fathertime said...

Dear Terry;
God's incredible, amazing grace is shining so brightly through your blog.
Several us here in Victoria, B.C. are reading you every day. You are the often the topic over coffee.
Your words remind me to smile when I first awaken and before I sleep and remember how much God loves us (me).
My everyday pain is ok...ok to endure because He watches over us. I don't have to control stuff anymore. He's got it all under control. He's in charge.
O how He loves us.
Thanks again (and again) Terry.
Thanks God! You're awesome.

Vasca said...

Ditto...I wore my 'game face' and naively tho't I was fooling everyone...including God. Ha, ha! How really dumb is that?

A big hurdle was forgiving myself and getting on w/business of reaching out to others, sharing what He has done and continues doing in my life.

The peace that came when I abandoned myself to Him (my sweet Michael prefers 'abandon' to 'surrender') is more than I can put into words.

You're right on target...He is the more...and the me is less...oh, that's good.

I marvel that He is always there...I don't need to wait in line or have an appointment...that I am His and He relly and truly cares for me.

HE's my director...He's in charge and oh wow, He certainly knows what He's doing. That's the best insurance imaginable...100% coverage.

Thanks for being so wonderfully open...transparency is good.