I'm going out on a vulnerable limb here. There is another part of ministry that bugs me about me. My question is does it bug any of you about you?
I am concerned that as ministers we don't help our people die well. I wonder if more isn't needed. I wonder if everyone else has a grip on this and I don't. Thus, the vulnerability.
When our people are dying it seems we "stay positive" and don't go there with the ailing victim. Is there a style? A manner? A responsibility which would reduce their potential fear and raise present peace? As for me, I will sit with the patient or the family for various lengths of time. Yet, I find myself ministering to the family more than the patient. I fear that to talk with them as if they are dying somehow implies I've given up on their recovery. I simply have to trust some of you flounder in this important ministry as well.
My fundamental concern is to wonder if this event is not one of the great and glorious transitions of ones life and I offer nothing of direction or assistance other than my presence which is supposed to suffice to convey I care...I love.
What thinketh ye?
9 comments:
You've hit on something close to my heart as I preached for many years and am now a full time funeral director in our family owned mortuary. We deliver wonderful messages of hope to the survivors and almost never say those same words to the person dying. I wonder how much different their demise might be if we shared those wonderful words of hope and anticipation with the one dying and let the family sort of "listen in" to that conversation. That person who is dying in Jesus is about to receive the most glorious recovery imaginable!!
Thanks for bringing this up ... there is much to think about here.
Ronald Heiftez taught about leadership in the Harvard School of Business. He wrote a book called Leadership Without Easy Answers. In it he addresses how leadership requires "Identifying the Adaptive Challenge." In other words leaders understand how to understand what the challenge is and how to help someone work through that challenge in a productive way.
He breaks challenges down into 3 categories:
Type 1 - The problem is easily identifiable and the solution is readily available.
Type 2 - The problem is definable but there is no clear cut solution.
Type 3 - Both the problem and the solution are complex and the experts have little to offer.
What ends up happening with many illnesses is that the problem moves from a type 1 to a 2 to a 3 over time and as someone nears death. A good leader will understand when things change and how to direct a person through those transitions to, as Heifetz would say, "identify the adaptive challenge" and work on things that are helpful. Often the type 1 problem gets complicated and turns to a 2 or 3 but we keep people focused on the easy solution - get rid of the cancer, instead of helping them transition to the adaptive challenge of the new situation - dealing with the end of life. The cancer and treatment can become a distraction to dealing with the real issue.
Another problem is when we gloss over suffering with humor. Humor has a place from time to time but if all you do is go and laugh with them you, as a minister, miss out on really dealing with the real issues on their mind and helping them go through the transition to the next life.
I would really recommend Heifetz's book if you get a chance.
That person who is dying in Jesus is about to receive the most glorious recovery imaginable!!
Stoogelover, you more than likely have me outnumbered in ministry years by several, but I would prefer rather than dying in Jesus to surrendering to Jesus. And I agree with you that we need to talk to all involved in this death process, one that is physical. We will see our loved ones again, and we should let them know of this to reassure them repetitiously.
Brother Terry Rush, oftentimes it is just our physical presence that our loved ones, who may be dying need. Your love shows them you care, and I would hope that if they need more from us they would let us know.
Bottom line: love God, love others, love yourself - Just do it!!! Jim Cooke, Midland, TX
Terry, I also wonder if our failure in this area is because of our own fear of death and being around those who are dying.
It really shows a lack of trust in the One Who Died And Rose Again.
My 2nd-born son was born on Monday, and is still fighting for his life. I am really struggling with this area right now. When I am with him, I want to DO SOMETHING and I am realizing that I can do NOTHING. It has exposed my lack of trust in God and is feeling pretty raw right now.
And yet, I think my closeness to him is a comfort.
Father in Heaven,
It would be good if you would keep a close eye on Franklin and his family right now. It would be our prayer that you dispatch angels to the scene to assist in every valuable way possible. You alone are our peace and our hope.
Hold on to them while we praise You for being The Glory in all settings.
In Jesus name...we seek You.
Amen
No special answers/expertise but I cannot count the number of times I've held hands of the dying and sung to them (Kinda like calming a child; kinda like prompting their own praise/open heartedness; kinda like involving family members with vivid memories for later reflection; kinda like tangible reminders to folks in coma, etc that they are not alone.)
Franklin, I had not read your post when I wrote about singing. I do not know you nor your family but I do know Jesus and know you are not alone. In view of Isaiah 40:11, I pray, "Lord hold Franklin and his family close to your heart that they may feel your love, grace and mercy. I pray that you touch his baby with healing and his family with hope. Thank you that death is only a shadow because of your light. I ask through the name of the living Christ."
Thank you for the prayers and well-wishes. Garrison opened his eyes a little tonight, and we got to speak to him. His eyes followed us as we spoke, and each moment was precious.
Please continue praying that he regains strength enough to breathe on his own. Hopefully ventilator comes off tomorrow!
Hey Terry, I think this is something that's hard for most anyone - we don't want to say the wrong thing so we're scared of being in a conversation at all. But I do think that listening and trying to hear what that individual needs is the key. It's not easy at all, but it's the right thing. I read a book that I really love called "Where is God when it hurts?" by Philip Yancey, and it has a lot of really helpful and thought-provoking things to say about things like this. Thanks for never being afraid to be vulnerable - it's one of the biggest lessons I ever learned from you.
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