Ministry is as odd as Jesus. We can know tidbits and facts only to discover the more we learn the further behind we really are. I am not gaining at all. Truthfully, I'm losing ground...in the best possible way.
Confidence is a component everyone wants; none more than me. The bigger the vision of His work the greater I find the downward spiral. I'm losing confidence. And....well I should.
Steadfast assurance is slipping through my fingers like sand. Of course I speak of confidence in myself...it is surely fading at optimum speed. Yet the blessing of this downward spiral is that I am gearing up for greater confidence in Him. I must have it. I want it!
I am confident that my confidence must decrease that I might allow His to increase. Someone else felt similarly, don't you think?
In two days I hope to have the Tulsa Workshop program D-O-N-E. As it nears completion, I feel empty. What if I didn't hear Him correctly? What if I've completely missed the direction of the Spirit. Nothing about me believes I can do this job.
However....and it is a major however....the Spirit of God knows how to make the fumblings of frailty dance with life. I must.....I just must pull for the hope that God can deliver life-changing hope regardless of my downward spiral.
It is a stressful walk of fear and hope to hunger for His approval over this labor. When you think of it...would you pray for the Tulsa Workshop? By the measure of its opponents one can be inclined to believe it is a work of God. Such is over my head. I merely want to bless all with His call to the highest form of man-walk....that of resurrection power.
The loads we carry are intentionally designed for downward spirals that we may grow in confidence--not in ourselves, but---in God.